My name is Hafsa

I was brought up in a family of generations and generations of Muslims, who lived and died as Muslims. Our family was a huge, religious family who was all in contact with each other all the time according to the Islamic way of life. My aunts and cousins wear the Niqab and Jilbab with their abaya while the males sport a beard and preach Islam. Yeah, that is my family. Many of the males have gone to the Islamic Madrasas and one of them is also in the Islamic Council in our country.They have accepted Allah and devoted their life to Deen while I was not religious.

Since I was a child, I have always questioned a lot of things about Islam and it’s concepts, but I was never given an answer for it. I was disciplined for asking questions that would be against my religion, and some told it was Shaitan that was fuelling curiosity to my innocent mind. My parents were embarrassed because of me.

One of my favorite cousins told me to accept Allah and put my trust on him.

I was a Muslim, praying only in front of my parents and fasting only because my mother stopped annoying me with eating. It became a part of life, with me stop caring about it and blindly going with their trend. I went on with life and studies with all these questions in my mind, and I finished my O/L’s.

That is when my life changed. My mother knowing me well, paid to attend a workshop for young Muslim women. I didn’t want to go there, but she forced me into going. During those three days, I learnt a lot about Islam and how much Islam respected women. I was amazed by the religion and started praying for real. I knew I wouldn’t change my life so quickly so I took baby steps. When my father asked me to wear the abaya then, I agreed to him and started wearing it with honor. I stopped talking to my cousin brothers except in front of my parents. Everything went well.

At the previously mentioned workshop, they connected us with a group of young women according to their place to one person. We were to attend their place once a week and discuss Islam. I loved the empowering energy there and went without failure. Our leader wanted us to learn the Quran on our own while we discuss it there too. That worked well for me, I love reading and learning everything.

As months passed away, I started questioning more things. Now, I knew a lot of things but I couldn’t stop questioning. I ignored them as much as possible, accepting it to be Shaitan’s way to weaken my Iman.

I told myself, I didn’t know enough of the religion and I kept learning.

Slowly as I learnt, my Iman weakened, I found many things that were unfair to mankind. I stopped going for the class thinking all the discussion there has started to make me feel overwhelmed. By the time, I went back to school for my A/L’s, I’m in doubt.

Life changes as we learn more and get matured about things.

When at school, I regretted my choice of wearing the abaya. Not immediately, but after a year or so in school. My school was a Muslim girls school so I had to wear hijab there too, but I couldn’t stop wondering what I could have done if not for this hijab covering me from everyone. I told my parents and that didn’t go well. So I wore it every day with hatred. During those two years, things started getting more violent around me. My mind never at rest, kept me awake during nights with a lot of questions.

Finishing my A/L’s, I came back to the reality of an Islamic family. I have read a lot during my A/L’s (actually I preferred reading nonstudying materials to my school books). I found many things that contradict things that were taught to me at the class and by my elder cousins. This time, I didn’t keep my questions away. I asked them out loud and was ignored by everyone. I started getting cynical and get violent with my feelings. The whole family decided that my outspoken personality is not good and stopped letting the little ones to converse with me. I was cool with it because it meant fewer people in my life. I kept on reading and writing (my biggest passion) while things happened around me, and finally decided I can’t do this religion thing anymore.

I’m done with religion.

That was what I said to myself. 

There were more things that happened during each of these times, I will get to them while reasoning out and admitting the reason that made me #exMuslimbecause

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17 thoughts on “My name is Hafsa

  1. Dear you hve choosen a wrong path….which is not good for you. May b your parents were that knowledge able they could answer u rightly.
    But my heart says….its only passing phase. You will out of it.
    Have faith in your Creator…He will guide you.

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    • I didn’t ask my parents questions. My cousin brothers are hafiz and aalimas mostly. And asking them got no answer than getting a lecture about how women are the reason why most men lose Iman.
      Initially I thought this was a phase too, but later I grew confident. And now nothing can get me back into the religion.
      And don’t bring that here, God doesn’t do anything because he simply doesn’t exist.

      Liked by 1 person

      • She has chosen the right path. It is not a phase. She won’t ‘grow out of it’. Please understand we do not believe in any creator or any God.

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      • Sister, what you’ve done is wrong.
        Even in Islam it says not to reaearch too much about the quran. Because quran is the truth. Allah has said that if you try going deep down to analyse, then you would automatically a Kafir (where u lose ur iman). Seek forgiveness from Allah for what you’ve done. Infact, its bad to research on Allah’s book since its our creator who has designed it, a true muslim should have this belief. It’s my duty as a muslim to help u get to the right path.I’ve done my part.I would pray for your goodness. Aren’t the miracles of Allah more than enough for you to realise that Islam is true? Consult an aalim regarding this matter.Not anyone from your family.You need to understand things slowly..don’t think deep into things.I feel sorry for you.im not a perfect muslim either..I hope Allah will guide you to the right path

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  2. Sister, what you’ve done is wrong.
    Even in Islam it says not to reaearch too much about the quran. Because quran is the truth. Allah has said that if you try going deep down to analyse, then you would automatically a Kafir (where u lose ur iman). Seek forgiveness from Allah for what you’ve done. Infact, its bad to research on Allah’s book since its our creator who has designed it, a true muslim should have this belief. It’s my duty as a muslim to help u get to the right path.I’ve done my part.I would pray for your goodness. Aren’t the miracles of Allah more than enough for you to realise that Islam is true? Consult an aalim regarding this matter.Not anyone from your family.You need to understand things slowly..don’t think deep into things.I feel sorry for you.im not a perfect muslim either.I hope Allah will guide you to the right path

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    • Mohamed, there are a number of philosophical weak issues with your comment.

      1) You say “Even in Islam it says not to reaearch too much about the quran” then later you say: “Consult any aalim regarding this matter”

      The problem with this is an aalim is someone who has studied and researched a lot. So it becomes a contradiction to tell one person not to research too much whilst also recommending they speak to someone who has researched a lot. Is researching Islam a bad thing or not? You can’t have it both ways.

      2) You say “Seek forgiveness from Allah for what you’ve done”.

      This make no sense. You are suggesting to someone who does not believe Allah exists that they should seek forgiveness from him. This is not possible if you do not believe. A better approach would be to try show why you think Allah exists. If you can convince her of this then the conversation can move on to other things. But not before you have done that. Also any rules that apply to Muslim believers don’t apply to non-believers – so your point about automatically becoming a kafir is redundant.

      3) You say she shouldn’t research too much “Because quran is the truth”.

      This is your most flawed and problematic argument. Just because something is true doesn’t mean it should not be studied in depth. In fact, if Islam is true then all research and questioning in as much depth as possible should be welcomed not discouraged. If something is objectively true then it does not need protecting from research. Denying or discouraging people from asking questions is what many many religions, cults and ideologies do as a way to protect lies. If you discourage asking questions then you are putting Islam in that category – the one where you are trying to protect lies from being discovered. There is no need to do this if Islam is true. There is good reason to be suspicious of people/ideologies that try to discourage question asking. If we want to get closer to what is true then we need to be completely open and allow ourselves to question everything.

      4) You state: “Aren’t the miracles of Allah more than enough for you to realise that Islam is true?”

      Obviously the miracles are not enough if Muslims are leaving Islam. Or rather the evidence of miracles within Islam is insufficient for ex-Muslims to stay within Islam. I am a non-muslim and I struggle to see anything miraculous in Islam or the Quran. I do however see a lot of weak claims and a lot of attempts to discourage people from thinking critically. Clearly if there were good and clear miracle claims from Islam the conversion rate to Islam would be much much higher. Many other religions claim their own miracles show their religion is the truth – it is reasonable and rational to expect much stronger evidence from an ideology that is true. Unless of course you want to admit that Islam spreading and maintaining it’s follower numbers is not important. I doubt you would concede this. In short, if Islam is true we are justified in expecting much more in terms of evidence.

      I hope this reply gives you some things to think about. Most importantly I would encourage you to not discourage people from questioning. If you care about truth you would not do this.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello my dear Atheist friends,you all want miracles,let me show you a simple miracle or sign of God, that is WATER,just ask yourself a question here “why on earth we need this Water” think of everything that comes in your mind,your body,food,animals,plants etc etc. Than search for who created this thing Water without which even Earth is lifeless,ask this question to science ,you may find the answer but you think this answer by science is not convincing,ask Koran the same question,And Let yourself know what happens next.

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  4. Congratulations! You are brave and deserve respect. As a woman there is no religion that will aknowledge you as an equal. All religions have been created by men and proclaim them as superior . Women are deemed to be subservient and/or slaves. However proclaiming something does not make it true. This step that you took is the first to realising how unjust our world is towards women ( yes even in the western countries). I sincerely hope that you will undertake this journey, because with every individual woman that realises this we are one step closer to a truelly equal world. Knowledge is our best weapon against, bigots,religious zealots, xenophobes homophobes and all other forms of hate. However be carefull especially if you do not live in a western country.

    Liked by 1 person

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