My Father – part 1
My father. I have some things to say about him. I do not think he is a good Muslim. Even a good human.
He was an extremist. First and foremost. He was a Muslim, yet he never acted like a true one. He smoked and was guilty of fornication. Yet he repented and frequently made dua (prayer) for Allah to forgive him and held the opinion he was inclined to arrive in hellfire for his numerous sins. He had the deepest love of Islam, Allah and Muhammad I have ever encountered. Incredibly high faith. I was shocked he could believe so easily and deep. Now I see he is a deranged man, with severe indoctrination. He would never leave Islam. Ever.
He hated the Jews. He despised them and frequently laughed at 2:65, 5:60, 7:166 where Allah turns the Jews into apes. Anything wrong in the world was to do with those filthy Jews , how they lay awake scheming at night trying to think of new ways to launch their attack on the true religion of peace. We were discussing the Holocaust, an event i found tragic. He said ‘Hitler had the right idea’. I was appalled. I beseeched him, would Allah send them to Jannah ? Surely he would. They believed in the Torah and God and suffered. Surely Allah would be merciful. He said no. No they would go to Jahannam because they didn’t believe in Muhammad, the last messenger. No one but a Muslim enters paradise. I asked desperately about the children. He said no. They were children of kuffars. I was tormented by nightmares of children and scarred people burning in a blaze.
I took his word as gospel. When I wasn’t being beaten, he said he loved me. I believed every word that came out of his mouth.
The abuse I suffered wasn’t too bad. A few moments stand out in my mind. Once where the doubts were pressing on my mind, mostly finding difficulty accepting Aisha’s marriage. I blurted out, ‘but some people say he was a pedophlile’ . His face changed immediately. I was beaten and slammed against walls. My hair pulled and torn out. My body kicked as I lay on the floor. My face slapped again and again. I was a mess. He told me calmly after he will forgive me this time, because I didn’t know. Next time he wouldn’t be so forgiving. My questions were punished. I asked so many he beat me and said after ‘you’re like that man that went around asking questions at the time at umar khattab , radiallahu ‘anhu. Like what does this verse mean? Why was that revealed? Trying to confuse people. Umar said he should be whipped. That’s what will happen to you’
Another time was evolution. I was very confused and scared about Adam and Eve. The more I came across , the likelier and more rational evolution seemed. It caused big cognitive dissonance. I stupidly told him my doubts, he said Darwin would burn in hell and is asking Allah to forgive him. Stupidly, I laughed at the absurdity . His face turned and bolted and grabbed my abaya as I tried to run. He dragged me kicking and screaming into the kitchen and threw me to the floor. My hands and stomachs and legs were stamped on. I learnt asking questions equals punishment . I refused to cry when that happened. I refused to let him see me cry.
The most shocking moment was when I was out shopping looking for birthday presents for my little sister was when I was tuning out his lecture on how if suicide was haraam, he would have committed it ages ago because this world is horrible and in jannah is the real pleasure. He looked at me straight in the eyes and said my name then said : I want to join ISIS. My blood ran cold. He parked, then said that suicide bombing wasn’t suicide and if it was in the name of Allah, it was okay. He asked me if Allah would forgive a person who does that act against the kuffars. I stammered and felt panic rise . I knew what would happen the moment I gave him what he deemed to be a wrong answer. I said (not even really believing in Allah ) the conventional answer. Allah knows best. He said that answer was perfect. I almost cried in relief.